I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
You Might Also Like
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
This is me
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Not my job 😂
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.