I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
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My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Bit chilly again tonight.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”