I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
You Might Also Like
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.