I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
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None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Happens to everyone.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
christening a ship with an overripe banana
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality