“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
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Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.