“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
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The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.