I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
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why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.