I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
CUTE CAT‼︎
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop