I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
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If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.