I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.