You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.