@English_Channel You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
@TheTimmyToes I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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@English_Channel 
@TheAlexNevil This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
@ChaseMit “I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
@LeonHWolf How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
@DadInUtah Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
@TheTweetOfGod Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
@CornOnTheGoblin °waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
@kyry5 At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
@RealLaVarTrump Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.