I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live