I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
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I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Who does Amazon think I am?
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.