I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
We’ve all been there
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Jail
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.