I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
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Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Please do it!
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”