I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.