I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
You Might Also Like
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.