@Midgetspar
@MomofTeen If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
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@MomofTeen 
@withanewname [flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
@sumpeoplelikeit Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
@Darlainky <~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
@curlymalloy I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
@CafeinatedBacon Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
@JennyJohnsonHi5 My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
@kelkulus I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
@Donna_McCoy I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
@zacharyflynn How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.