I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
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Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.