I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Bros before Ohioes
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
marvel comics have peaked