I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
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Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Okay me first
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.