I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.