I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
You Might Also Like
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them