I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
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Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
pat pat
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂