I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)