I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
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[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.