I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

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you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.


I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.


Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup


Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!


“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.


I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.


I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?


I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.


Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.