I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
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Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Why do meteors always land in craters?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.