I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
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My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
just left a huge legacy in there
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.