I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
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Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
This was a bad idea all around
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.