I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
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friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
(more comics:
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Oh boy, $150,000!
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.