i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know