i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I’m putting together a team
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am