I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
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I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
When news reporters do sports stories
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I mean…but I did
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.