I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
You Might Also Like
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot