I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
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Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine