I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]