im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
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Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
The symmetry is uncanny.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project