I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
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Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
never compromise your values
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”