I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
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My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
When you let grandma cat sit
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.