I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
never forget
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.