I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
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Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
They’re not wrong
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.