I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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When life hands you women, make women laid.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.