I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
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My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down