“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
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Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…