“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
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Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.