I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.