I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
When I laugh on my period
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here