I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
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Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
❤️🦆