I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
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Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house