“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
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THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Proofread twice, hang posters once
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it