I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
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Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
This is so me 😂😂
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
All. The. Damn. Time.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild