“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
email: CC
my brain: corn cob