I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.