i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
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God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
this is uni
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button